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MUCH DUDU ABOUT NOTHING

Vic Reeves quipped that 90% of statistics are made up. Eighty-three times out 100 he’s right. But here’s one that, incredible though it seems, is genuine: Israel have only lost one of their last 14 competitive matches. Over the last three years they’ve emerged unbeaten from clashes with the likes of France related site, Russia, Switzerland and the Republic of Ireland. So they must be pretty darn good, right?

Wrong. They’re pap. They’ve a gnome’s handful of adequate players and most won’t be playing against England on Saturday: top scorer Roberto Colautti and mediocre Bolton midfielder (forgive the tautology) Idan Tal are both suspended. Yossi Benayoun and Tal Ben Haim are available, of course, and so too is the team’s real hero: Dudu Almat, the unconventional goalkeeper whose preposterous saves were – along with some criminal Irish negativity, laughable Russian finishing, aimless French attacking and a dumb red card for David Trezeguet – responsible for seven freakish draws against the aforementioned quartet.

So on a day when it was revealed that Jonathan Woodgate may miss Saturday’s match through injury and Luke Young has been drafted in to replace the knacked Micah Richards, it’s worth pointing out that England will really only have three things to worry about in Bicester Village Prada Store Number Tel Aviv. First is the admittedly admirable never-say-die attitude of the Israeli players. Second, according to Tal, is the we-may-well-kill-you attitude of the Israeli fans. “England will find the atmosphere at the stadium intimidating,” he trumpeted today. “When the game starts, the Israeli fans will create an atmosphere that will be up there with any major event around the world … England’s preparations for this will be critical.” And the third thing that could foil the infinitely more talented English? Here’s a clue: it’s got 22 legs, 11 enormous egos, no balls and a brain called Second-Choice Steve.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

Lord Ferg: “F*****g b@stard.” Geoff Shreeves: “Don’t talk to me like that.” Ferg: “F**k off to you.” Shreeves: “Don’t talk to me like that. Don’t even think about it.” Ferg: “Don’t you think about it, you ****. F**k off. Right?” Shreeves: “Listen, are you going to do the interview in a professional manner or not? Do you want to do it or not?” Ferg: “You f*****g be professional. You be professional. You’re the one.” Shreeves: “I’m entitled to ask. Cristiano [Ronaldo] gave the right answer.” Ferg: “F***ing hell with your answers.” Shreeves: “Don’t talk to me like that. Go away. If you want to behave civilly, fine. Don’t talk to me like that.” Ferg: “F**k off.”

Lord Ferg indulges Sky’s Geoff Shreeves in some light-hearted Glasgow patter after the MU Rowdies’ FA Cup win over Middlesbrough. The BBC was later forced to can their interview with Gareth Southgate when their microphones picked up Ferg’s volley of abuse.

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MAKE VICTORIA WOOD AND ASDA HISTORY

When your stony-faced Fiver sat glaring at multi-millionaire entertainer Victoria Wood trying to emotionally blackmail millions of comparative paupers into ending global poverty on Comic Relief last Friday night, we were as perplexed as we were unamused. We couldn’t help but wonder if the comedienne on our telly was in any way related to the Victoria Wood who has just signed a lucrative deal to front an advertising campaign for Asda, the retail giant that buys its hoodies, polyester tracksuit-bottoms and baseball caps from third world wholesalers who pay their hard-working staff the kind of abysmally low wages your average Fiver-writer can only dream of earning.

But hey, who cares when we can all go to Asda to do our shopping and rub shoulders with regular Asda-goers Coleen McLoughlin and Sharon Osbourne before joining them in oohing and aahing over the very low price of George frocks and Authentic Prada Handbag Uk budget DVDs. Of course if you’re shopping at the Wrexham branch, you might want to get there early.

For today the Fiver discovered that Wrexham AFC have released 1,000 tickets for their match against Mansfield on Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Shoes Sale March 31 to be sold at the local Asda for £5. “It’s vitally important for the community that the football club retains its Football League status,” declared community-spirited Asda manager Nigel Roberts. “The tickets will be on sale at our checkouts and colleagues will be incentivised to sell the most. All the colleagues are really behind the idea and very excited by it.” And why wouldn’t they be? As if sitting behind a till chewing gum and filing your nails for nine hours wasn’t excitement enough, the checkout girls at the Wrexham branch now enjoy the added perk of trying to flog Wrexham v Mansfield tickets to impoverished housewives who have so little money to spare on bona fide luxuries that they’re already reduced to shopping at Asda.

*********************

THE RUMOUR MILL

With Titus Bramble on his way out of Newcastle, Glenn Roeder is ready to sign the only Premiership centre-half that’s even more inept and hapless – Anton Ferdinand, take a bow.

Rafa Benitez will give Liverpool a major injection of mediocre in the summer by taking Geremi off Chelsea’s hands.

Manuel Fernandes really, really wants Benfica to let him stay at Everton on a permanent deal. Almost as much as he wanted them to let him stay at Portsmouth two months ago, in fact.

And Spanish tattle-peddlers AS reckon Real Madrid will get Cristiano Ronaldo, but not for less than £55m.

* * * * * * * * * *

STILL WANT MORE?

Julio Arca is no genius, reckons Marcela Mora y Araujo. He’s better than that.

Find out why nobody won the Scottish Cup in 1909 and discover the goalkeeper with the plastic knuckle in this week’s Knowledge

Or, if football trivia’s not your bag, why not check out our live coverage from the Cricket World Cup?

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IF YOU SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER THEN YOU COULD PROBABLY USE THIS SERVICE

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YESTERDAY’S FIVER: AN APOLOGY

Due to technical reasons that continue to mystify our crack team of Red Dwarf T-shirt-wearing, Cheesy Wotsit-eating IT folk, many of our subscribers received Monday’s Fiver again yesterday, before receiving yesterday’s Fiver about 30 minutes later. Considering we felt bad enough sending out Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Outlet Online Monday’s Fiver on Monday, it certainly wasn’t our intention to do so again on Tuesday. We would also like to apologise to anyone who received two copies of yesterday’s Fiver yesterday, and might as well take this opportunity to apologise in advance to Authentic Prada Wallet For Sale Philippines anyone who receives a third copy of it today. Not you’ll be reading this if that happened.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Footballers in Chile will finally be given the same rights Black Prada Bag With Gold Hardware as other workers under a new law passed by the national congress on Tuesday. Clubs will no longer be able to offer players contracts of less than one year, while players will have the right to be paid monthly and take days off.

Chelsea fans are planning a major protest after being pressured to renew their season tickets despite ongoing uncertainty at the club. One group of corporate supporters has even prepared an advert for Lahn’s Lahn E’ning Stannah, urging fans not to renew until there is “clarity on Mourinho, Terry and Lampard”. Fair play – we wouldn’t pay £4,000 a year to watch Agatha Ruiz Prada Online Shop those three gougers either.

John Hartson is expecting a visit from the bizzies after drunkenly throwing up in a cab, before refusing to pay the £85 fare and flashing his backside at the driver. “I’ve got a great cute b*m,” said Hartson to cabbie Mo Ajaib – who was recording their conversation on his phone. “You’re a dirty b*tch,” he added. Leicestershire police plan to investigate, though Hartson has now vowed to pay up.

Following interest from Bongo FC, Portsmouth’s Andy “Andrew” Cole, 96, has gone on loan to St “Andy’s” Andrew’s until the end of the season.

And former Millwall, Wimbledon and Shrewsbury forward Steve Anthrobus, 37, has been fined £500 for having $ex in a public place: a field in Brownhills, Staffordshire. He admitted outraging public decency along with Debbie Matthews, 40, who was fined £250. Anthrobus admitted the charge after making what his solicitor Stephen Thomas described as “a difficult call to his wife” before the hearing. Anthrobus came second in a BBC Football Focus poll of the Shrews’ Agatha Ruiz Prada Online Shop cult heroes in 2004. After this escapade, he’ll win it Authentic Prada Handbags Outlet Uk next time.

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FIVER LETTERS

“I’ve heard you speak some rubbish in the past, but I am immediately cancelling my subscription to the Fiver following the ill-informed, reckless cr@p in defence of the fans invading the pitch at Monday’s cup tie. Day after day I’ve read your attacks on basically everything in English football, mostly our best players, in a feeble attempt at humour, but this time you’ve gone too far. The implication that the players were somehow to blame and sarcastic remarks amount pitch invasions are irresponsible journalism and ill-thought out. I really wish this was going to the boss of the Guardian. My parting message to you? Resign. Join a tabloid” – Mr D Daly.

“When a Stoke fan attacked QPR goalkeeper Simon Royce last season and landed a few blows before the Rangers squad fell on him, QPR got a fine for failing to keep control of their players and reserve goalkeeper Jake Cole picked up a ban for administering a good shoeing while the bloke was on the floor. Step forward a year and a Spurs fan, clearly so drunk that even fat Frank could evade him, finds himself buried under a heap of Chelsea players. Of these, Ashley Cole and Didier Drogba, amongst others, are performing a strange dance not unrelated to the Hokey Cokey. We can only hope the unfortunate fan wasn’t in their way. And is the FA feeling the collars of those Chelsea players? Or the management team that failed to control them? Apparently not. Double standards, anyone?” – FWB.

“Fiver readers should forgive Nigel Keane for being stupid (yesterday’s Fiver letters) as his reference to Beckham not being able to walk across the Bering Sea unless there is a sudden new ice age is utterly wrong. In March 2006, Karl Bushby and Dimitri Kieffer crossed it on foot, walking across a frozen 56 mile section in 15 days” – Michael Russell-Yarde.

“Am I the only one to notice the FA’s lightning fast reaction to Fat Frank not getting ‘assaulted’, and its demand for a quick response and action from the relevant clubs, as opposed to its glacial pace when having to do anything itself or dealing with its own flaws and problems? No? Thought not” – Paul Jurdeczka.

“So Gareth Southgate refuses to condemn his staff for calling Cristiano Ronaldo a cheat, because ‘in the heat of the moment, everybody is entitled to a reaction’. I don’t recall him being so forgiving when Roy Keane stamped on his chest during an FA Cup semi-final. And I’m sure he wouldn’t have approved of some of the things I was calling him after his penalty miss in Euro 96. Double standards, surely?” – Ryan MacDonald.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of an album plucked at random from the mountain Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Online Shop of CDs under which the Guardian Music desk is buried: FWB, who gets Nigel Keane’s prize from yesterday too, seeing as he was writing through his hat.

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NO MAS! NO MAS!